Yes, ladies and germs, Selah Janel is back for another round of fun. You guys should all know her by now as one of my best friends in the world. She’s a cohort, a partner in crime, and a horrible, horrible enabler. That having been said, I have absolutely NOTHING to do with what happens from this point on. It’s all her.
Disclaimer from SJ: Please for the love of all that’s holy don’t do this. Just don’t. This is not advice, this is Ippick trying to start something. Seriously, remember that he’s a troll and don’t blame me if you decide that he should be your new patron saint for social activity. Just…just don’t.
Online Security an’ Etiquette in a Modern Fantasy World
By Ippick Bonecrusher
The thing ye gotta worry ‘bout these days is online safety. Ye never know what kinda idjit is bein’ a busybody over yer shoulder, so ye gotta think ‘bout these things. Luckily, ye got me t’teach ye all bout safety on the spider web realm wide web.
First off, get yerself a club. I like the ones that ye can fold up and put in yer pocket. That way, no one suspects ye know they’re up t’somethin’ until ye whomp ‘em over the head. They don’t get in yer business and ye can go on bout yer day. I like the proactive approach, meself, but I’m told that in some parts it’s frowned upon, so practice responsibility an’ all that hogwash.
Now then, the thing ye have to remember about online behavior is that ye wanna be proactive and offensive here. No defensiveness and creepin’ round. Ye gotta get at others before they get at ye, especially if they have stupid opinions. Not everyone knows if their opinions are stupid, so ye need to tell them. Put it in language they understand. For example, if I were to see someone talkin’ about how curses and magic are made up, it’s my responsibility to get in their convo and reply somethin’ like
HEY IDIOT, YE DON’T KNOW WHAT YE TALKIN’ ABOUT. YE MUST BE BLOWIN’ YER WIND OUT THE WRONG HOLE BECAUSE IT REEKS LIKE WEEKS OLD ROTTIN’ MEAT!!!!!!!!!
A lot of exclamationy points and making it all capitals and in a big font helps so that they pay attention and definitely know that they’re wrong.
Now, sometimes ye gotta be subtle. I don’t recommend bullying, but sometimes ye gotta tell people if their shirts are dumb looking or their dogs look like their wives. Ye want yer hints to be real strong-like, but this is when ye don’t want the capitals and the all the punctuation right away.
I’m sure ye think I’m being mean since I’m known to be a little sneaky on forums to stir things up. To that I say YER WRONG YE STUPID IDJITS. I HAVE A RIGHT TO MY OPINIONS AND TO HELP OTHER PEOPLE SEE WHERE THEY’RE BEING DUMB.
So what happens if someone tries to get cute and throws things right back to ye? Do ye cry and shut yer laptop? Bluebeard’s balls, of course ye don’t! That’s when ye go with somethin’ like “Yer dumb and yer grammar’s dumb and yer clothes are dumb and ye obviously can’t type right because yer hands are yer girlfriend.” What if they say somethin’ stupid like they have a right to their opinion? Well I have a right to walk around without pants if I want to, but folks have problems with that, so if I have problems with yer opinion I’m gonna point it out! I find that’s fairly effective, but then again I like to aim to the subtle side, myself.
If ye combine that sense of helpfulness with a vigilant eye and a good, sturdy, hidden club, ye shouldn’t have one jot of problem muckin’ about online. An’ if ye do, well, yer probably not doin’ it right anyway and need the advice of all those smarter than ye yelling at ye in all caps. After all, if yer seeing it aimed at ye, there’s prolly a reason.
Ippick Bonecrusher is a mean sonofadragon who resides in Kingdom City, The Land. A real estate agent by trade, he also occupies many odd jobs to make up for his poor people skills.
Although this is Ippick’s first attempt at freelance writing, he is very prone to giving unsolicited advice. You can find him in Olde School, book one of The Kingdom City Chronicles, which can be found in Print, Kindle, Nook, and Kobo.
Olde School by Selah Janel
Book One of the Kingdom City Chronicles
Cross-Genre: Fantasy, Fairy/Folktale, Paranormal, Urban Fantasy, Horror
Kingdom City has moved into the modern era. Run by a lord mayor and city council (though still under the influence of the High King of The Land), it proudly embraces a blend of progress and tradition. Trolls, ogres, and other Folk walk the streets with humans, but are more likely to be entrepreneurs than cause trouble. Princesses still want to be rescued, but they now frequent online dating services to encourage lords, royals, and politicians to win their favor. The old stories are around, but everyone knows they’re just fodder for the next movie franchise. Everyone knows there’s no such thing as magic. It’s all old superstition and harmless tradition.
Bookish, timid, and more likely to carry a laptop than a weapon, Paddlelump Stonemonger is quickly coming to wish he’d never put a toll bridge over Crescent Ravine. While his success has brought him lots of gold, it’s also brought him unwanted attention from the Lord Mayor. Adding to his frustration, Padd’s oldest friends give him a hard time when his new maid seems inept at best and conniving at worst. When a shepherd warns Paddlelump of strange noises coming from Thadd Forest, he doesn’t think much of it. Unfortunately for him, the history of his land goes back further than anyone can imagine. Before long he’ll realize that he should have paid attention to the old tales and carried a club.
Darkness threatens to overwhelm not only Paddlelump, but the entire realm. With a little luck, a strange bird, a feisty waitress, and some sturdy friends, maybe, just maybe, Padd will survive to eat another meal at Trip Trap’s diner. It’s enough to make the troll want to crawl under his bridge, if he can manage to keep it out of the clutches of greedy politicians
Selah Janel has been blessed with a giant imagination since she was little and convinced that fairies lived in the nearby state park or vampires hid in the abandoned barns outside of town. The many people around her that supported her love of reading and curiosity probably made it worse. Her e-books The Other Man, Holly and Ivy, and Mooner are published through Mocha Memoirs Press. Lost in the Shadows, a collection of short stories celebrating the edges of ideas and the spaces between genres was co-written with S.H. Roddey. Her work has also been included in The MacGuffin, The Realm Beyond, Stories for Children Magazine, The Big Bad: an Anthology of Evil, The Grotesquerie, and Thunder on the Battlefield. Olde School is the first book in her new series, The Kingdom City Chronicles, and is publishedthrough Seventh Star Press. She likes her music to rock, her vampires lethal, her fairies to play mind games, and her princesses to hold their own.
Facebook author page – http://www.facebook.com/authorSJ
Twitter – http://www.twitter.com/SelahJanel
Amazon Author Page – http://www.amazon.com/Selah-Janel/e/B0074DKC9K